New Pay Period?

Being back on my toes is nice, although I'm a little more intimidated by myself.

So on the bright side of things, Beyonce's concert is 10 Days away from today. I can't wait. I'm OH so ready. Registration for classes is tomorrow, so I'm kind of scared of what my schedule is going to be like because it always affects how much money I make, but I'm so close to being done I can just taste that degree...and all that money I'mma be makin'!

I'm so excited to be done with it all...UGH.

Lately I've been catching myself fantasizing about being this amazing performer on stage. I don't know why, but I just love it! I always imagine myself on stage with this big crowd and me just being amazing! haha. I know it's goofy but I love to do it. Everytime I have my ipod on and it's an upbeat song, chances are I'm performing in my head.

Right now I'm stuck on the song by The Scripts - The Man That Can't Be Moved. I love that guys voice. Enjoy....
Darn it...I couldn't find a link that I could embed on here so you'll have to youtube them.

Chow ;)

Recovering

I didn't think that Pride weekend was going to be as fun as I thought it was going to be, but I had a blast! There were a few moments I thought, "what if" but for the most part I was having too much fun to care. I didn't really drink too much, but I had enough in me to let loose a little and be just a little big carefree.
It was Clara's first pride, and I'm sure one she'll never forget. It was great having Sherry there, I love that girl...It's always a pleasure to see Vanessa, she's my little guardian angel. I ran into a lot of people, it was kind of excessive but I did make a few new friends as well.

I talked to Marcus for a short 2 seconds, and we decided to talk over dinner or something later on in the week. I'm not entirely too sure what I'm going to say or want to say, but I know that I'll say what's right when the time comes.

I recieved a letter from my mother, and I know it's the letter that tells me she's being sent back to the Phillipines but I haven't been brave enough to open it yet. But I'll do it this week, I've already made an oath to myself.

I'm not ready to be at peace with the world yet but I'm getting there. I'm at the stage to where I'm just easily annoyed and find myself raising my eyebrow to everything that is said that sounds even the least bit sarcastic, but I'm trying my best to not take anything at this point personal or say anything out of line and just take note of whats going on to observe it later.

I need a lot of time to myself right now. It's honestly really hard to sit in a group of people and not look like I'm pissed off at the world. I just need someones hand to hold every once in a while and when not that, just my little room will do me just fine.

I'm really looking forward to the Beyonce' concert, she's just 11 days away from hearing my voice in her audience, and trust me, she will hear it! The scratches on my face from the fall are healing up really nicely, and so are my feelings. I feel like I'm a bit tougher person now, but I think I'm letting it tern me into a more bitter person. Well...Time will only tell, but for now, Beyonce' HURRY UP!!!!

P.S.

I think Domino's going to be M.I.A. for a while, Antoine will be taking messages for him if you neccessary. ;)

Face Meets Cement.

Waking up this morning was rough... considering I didn't remember last night ending. I felt like a brick had hit my face. Turns out I ended up drinking my problems "away" since I heard Diesel was having this party with an open bar. Ended up getting kicked out and my little friend couldn't lift me so i was literally falling on my face now suffering from a scratched up face. I threw up all over the place and passed out leaving my phone in my friends car.

So I had a break down this morning. I started crying and couldn't stop or control it. Thank you so much Clara and Jenn for being there for me. With my mothers situation and just being broken up with, it all just came down on me. I usually can suck it up but this morning after letting myself be a mess last night... I had a breakdown.

So I called in for another personal day off so I could collect myself. Clara treated me to an amazing lunch and then we went to the park since it's hot in the city. Then we came back home, it was a little too hot for our liking. I'm sure I have some more thinking to do and probably will cry a few more times. But the week is over thank god...the month is almost over...and Beyonce's Concert is coming up soon so I'm very excited! That concert is going to be my cure for this slump I'm in, I just know it!

But no more pity drinking for me....that's for sure over. And thank you so much Clara for today. It definitely brightened up my day!

Dent in My Persona..Anniversary Edition

So this week has been a bitch to get through haha. Bad things usually come in three's so I'm waiting on my third one...but at the same time trying to hang in by a thread to stay positive. I haven't been able to go a full day without crying but I'm pretty sure I'm doing much better now. It's really hard because I'm not the type who cries unless it's a goodbye or a break-up, and these things don't happen very often so when I do cry it's usually a pretty big deal to me.

I've noticed that everything this weeks affects on me and how I'm interacting with people and who has sympathy, and who says just get over it, and every minor detail. Usually things that would annoy me I'm able to let brush past me like either I didn't notice it, or I can laugh about it just as well and move on.

It sure is one son of a bitch that we can't control what happens in our life, and whether this new me is going to be long term or short term I feel like I've completely lost control of it. I feel like I'm just watching every single step I take now, almost like I'm scared to let anything get to me to make me feel worse then I already do. I've been trying to stay away from bad moods/feelings pretty much.

I just want to say to everyone who's been so supportive thank you so much, but I have to do this on my own. If I can't get through the things that have happened so far this week I'll never get through anything and I'll always be weak in my own eyes. And to those that don't have sympathy, just keep your mouth shut for a while...thanks.

I wont be able to see my mom anytime soon I know, but I'm hoping she'll call me as soon as she get's back to the Philippines, and Marcus and I are over which is for the better considering the feelings weren't mutual for eachother, which is not the kind of relationship I want to be in, I'm going to want someone who really wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them, it can't be a one-sided relationship, no matter how good he is to me. It still hurts but these are the facts.

Well, back to my life

P.S.
Happy Suppose to be Anniversary.

When It Rains It Pours...

Just when I thought the week couldn't get any worse then it already has by my boyfriend breaking up with me... I'm proven wrong!

So my mother was arrested a long time ago for something, and she did her time in jail. After that time was up, I guess what the United States does if you're not born here, then they try to send you back to where you were originally born. Now my mother was a full citizen, I mean come on now, she went to school here, got married here, had 3 kids here...and so on...

Anyway she's been fighting this battle for about 2 to 3 years now, and they kept doing appeal after appeal, then denying appeal after appeal. It got so tiring. One thing I didn't mention is they have her all the way out in Florence Arizona so it's not like I can just stop in during visiting hours. Apparently this happens to a lot of women in the U.S. My mother was writing me letters about these women she's met, one from Mexico (won her case and was released back to the bay area) another women from Spain and one from Arentina I believe (both of these women lost their case and was sent back to their country of births) and one other woman who lost her case, all of which had children and families, I think the only woman who won her case won, because she was still married I think.

Well I just found out yesterday my mother lost her case. They finally made a decision after keeping her in jail for an additional 2 years that she'll be flying back to the Phillipines as of July 8th, and wont be able to visit the U.S. again for another 5 years. Being realistic, I wont be able to afford a plane ticket (plus pay for a passport because I don't have one yet) anytime soon considering I still have tuition upon my other bills to pay.

What a week this has been. I'm mentally, emotionally, and am starting to feel physically exauhsted. I don't know what to do about everything that's happened this week, I really just want to run as far as I can and not look back, but I wouldn't know where to run to. I've accepted the fact that Marcus doesn't want me in his life or to be his boyfriend that is anymore, it still hurts...a lot... but I've somewhat accepted it, and I've had to accept that once again...I wont see my mother for a very very long time. What I need is a car, a full tank of gas, about $350.00 -$500.00, my ipod and a good 3 days off to go to destination unkonwn.

My heart is so tired.

Facing The Music

And now it's time for the hard part.

I have to get over it. The one thing I like about blogs is I get to talk about things without actually talking about it...so here goes....

So I have to get over it. I don't think I've ever felt this lost about a situation. I know what I have to do but I honestly don't want to do it. I don't want to forget about how good he was to me, I don't want to forget about the amazing dinners, the little jokes, waking up wrapped in his arms, or him wrapped in mine. I had never, out of all the men I've been with, felt so lucky to have a guy.

He wasn't loaded with money, he didn't have a super nice car, he didn't have a 3 story house, all he had to offer was himself (or so I thought) and I was completely happy with that. Our relationship wasn't long enough to have too many bad memories. All I catch myself thinking about is walking hand in hand with him and how I need to let that hand go...It's over...I need to stop pushing myself closer to the deep end of the pool. But instead I check my phone to see if I missed a text or something, wondering, I usually would've gotten a text from him by now.

I feel so pathetic, if anyone's good at get over something we all know I am the Queen at that. But I'm getting pulled deep here, and I'm missing the fresh air. Why wasn't there a life-guard to stop me from getting so deep.

I promise that this will be one of my last sappy depressing blogs.

And That Fast...It's Over

I couldn't find the right actual scene but in scene of the Moulin Rouge where Satine sings this song, Nicole Kidman's character realizes that she's about to die, and all that she's dreamed of, all that she's fantasized about, is over. It's not going to come true, and she let her heart lead the way instead of choosing what was logical under her circumstances.

I feel the exact same way right now. Not like I'm about to die, but like everything that I've been fantasizing about, everything I thought this relationship was going to turn into, has just been turned into dust. It hurts so bad, I'm reminded that I actually do have a heart, and that I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. I feel like a very elegant dinner set, and the expensive china was knocked over and shattered on the ground, left messy and dangerous to be around.

Why we broke up I haven't let sink in yet. He says that we weren't meant to be although he "loves me." He says that he wasn't ready. It hurts so bad. Right before the relationship started I asked him if he was ready for something serious do to his previous relationship, and he said he was so ready. I asked him to promise and he said he swore.

I'm not angry, I'm just really hurt. I feel defeated, empty, broken, out of words, and would just like it all to be a blur that I could barely remember. Like a dream you had last night after a long day today. I know in the end I will be okay, and life will go on, but I wish...I really do just wish, I hadn't put so much hope in what could have been and what might have been. I had never been so convinced of such a possible beautiful future with such a great guy by my side.

What More Could I Ask For?

So once again everythings been switching up on me, but of course in a good way. Things and people change due to whatever situations come up. I've noticed that I have been more about making myself happy and more concerned about what pleases me. I use to be really over concerned about everybody else and would bend over backwards as some would say to make everyone else happy. I think what brought on the change is this....

I do know that a lot of people care about me and I have a lot of close friends who would come to my rescue if I was in harms way... although if I just wanted to have someone do something because a bitch is a little tired and wants to be a tad bit lazy or if I'm just trying to get something done faster, I don't know if a lot of people would be there, however if the tables were turned... of course I would do it. I caught myself getting a little careless attitude, I almost said bitchy, but it's not really a bitchy attitude it's definitely just a careless one. I'm sure I've offended a person or two by saying "no," but they'll get over it, and I don't care really.

Mostly all my friends at this point in my life are all adults and it's a good time to finally just focus on myself and get what I want. Not saying I'm going to care less about my friends because everyone knows I have a huge heart and care way too much for people, but again...me time!

I now have a boyfriend that reminds me of myself kind of, works 2 jobs, going to school, and knows how to have a good time all in the same. I'm so close to finishing school...I can just taste that degree! I'm going through yet another change in who I am, and I'm just going to sit back and let this one happen. It is very different though, because I can already feel the difference in who I am, and how I act, and I'm still in limbo not sure if I like it too much, but definitely am accepting of it.

My next blog I'd like to address some previous issues I finally overcame that I don't have time for, nor the eneregy haha... but I'm very excited to finally share it and talk about it.

Marcus

It starts in a bar.

My high school friend that I liked to go dancing and drinking with had gotten accepted to do his masters out in Georgetown. I decided that we'd go out one last time before he travels off to his new exciting life, the fact being I wont see him for a very long time from then, maybe as far as not until our later high school reunion, assuming I'll show up that is. The kid has ambitions to live in Africa an stuff like that, while I like it here in San Francisco (still debating whether I should start saving to move to Canada if we don't get equal rights by the time I get my degree).

We were out in the smoking area having a couple drinks waiting on a few of my friends, it wasn't crowded enough for me to be dance and feel comfortable if that makes any sense. I like having a crowd around me dancing, it just gives me a certain comfortable feeling where you don't have to worry about everyone else around you, even though its them that makes me comfortable. As we waited it slowly started to get crowded, and then I saw him (not brian) come out to the smoking area lighting up a cigarette all by himself. I thought he was checking me out at first but I wasn't too sure, I paid no mind to it due to Brian already have finishing his first drink sitting on idle. We noticed that the crowd was really attractive that night, I said something like "oh girl, everyone is lookin' good tonight," Brian agree'd, and as we're noticing the crowd, the guy that was lighting his cigarette decided to come up to us and make conversation.

"The Dj here is pretty good isn't he?" or a question somewhere along those lines is what he said. But he said it so casually like if you were asking a stranger "do you know the time?" We made small talk and I found out he was alone that night, which I thought was really sad considering it was Friday night, a night which you usually go out with your friends, get plastered and dance until you run out of swet, JUST my kind of night. I'm thinking he was going to stick around but he told us he'd catch us around and went back inside. I go back to thinking about Brian's empty glass and how we need to fix that, so we go back inside to get him another drink. By this time, and it's only been about 10 maybe 15 to 20 minutes max, it's crowded, crowded enough to wear I can dance like a go-go dancer getting slipped hundreds, just workin' it out!

I usually order on the side of the bar closest to the part of the club I like to dance at, so I stick with one bartender the entire night. I lead the way through the crowd, not doing a very good job of it stumbling over people, having to turn and apologize to at minimum two people. I finally get to the side of the bar I'm happy with when I take my last step and stumble really bad onto a guy bad enough to where I have to look this guy in the face and really apologize, instead of simply turning and shouting "sorry about that." I turn around and it's the same guy who lit his cigarette outside that was making small talk. He turned with a concerned look on his face that said something like "what the hell is this about," but once he realized it was me, the same I realized it was him we both stopped and laughed. Brian ordered a drink, I offered for him to stick around and meet some of our friends since he told me before he was kind of new for a second time to the city.

My friends arrive, I introduce him to them, Brian has a few friends show up who I get introduced to as well. A few drinks later and a few dances later I'm in his arms making out with him.

No the night did not end with a drunken hook up but he did make sure I got home by taking a cab with me home (Brian got super drunk and left the club without me) then he took a second cab back to his place.

And this is where the magic started.