Free From Him At Last

Not going too much into detail...but a few weeks ago me and Marcus were kind of sort of but not really re-connecting, I didn't want to share because nothing was definite and I didn't want it to be too good to be true...and of course it was. I've learned a lot more about him, he's got a few issues he needs to deal with himself before I think he's ready to be in a relationship. After...not to sound cliche' or dramatic...getting my heart crushed by him...I'm finally free from it all and I don't fantasize anymore whether we would've been perfect together or not. It's simply done. I'd like to remain friends with him but I guess we'll see.

Although now I'm just not sure I really want to date. I'm not even really sure if I want love after that. What I think I need is just a friend until I'm out of this blank space. I may not have those feelings for Marcus anymore, but I feel kind of blank...maybe scared of what else I'd let happen to me if I fall for someone else. I'm sure love will come eventually but I'm not waiting or expecting it to happen anytime soon...I'm just taking one day at a time...and that's all I can do!

Therapy Shopping

Therapy shopping just makes you feel so good...especially when you have a little bit of money to do so. After this I really think you should put a little money aside for some "me" time.

I've had a lot on my mind in the past couple weeks. Dealing with finals, final projects, friends, finding a place, love, and of course work. Having every second of every minute of my days planned have been really exciting but with all that at once, it's really beaten me up...and now I just have all this crap on my mind.

I'd go in detail with every subject that I've gone through within the past week but i'd just rather not at the moment. But after a little "therapy" I feel like I should just concentrate on myself and what I want...

...my only problem is I don't think that I can have what I really want...

URG!!!

Minutes Before My First Final...

I have a final tonight, tomorrow and the day after that, so you can just guess how excited I am about each day. Thursday I sign the papers too my new place!! I'm really excited the place is huge!

BUT THESE FINALS...I'm hoping everything turns out okay. Other than that, and I know you guys are going to hate this, but certain parts of my life I was thinking of keeping a little more private. I'm not so sure yet because you guys are my outlet and I love letting you guys know 100 percent what's going on in my life!

I hate not knowing what's going on in my own life. I'm kinda going through a situation where I don't know what's really going on...urg...I can't explain without explaining...gimme some time...

I don't know it's just a thought, I'd provide examples but I gotta get ready for this final...wish me luck

I Can Not Believe We're Already In December 2009

First I just want to ask, where in the hell did November go? Everything is going so fast. I hear myself saying time and time again..."I can't wait until next week" and next thing I know it's next week and I'm wishing the same thing again. Soon I'll be wishing away months if I keep this up haha. I've been so busy with work and school (finals are next week :/ ) I can't beleive this semesters over. I can't believe this years pretty much over.
I can't even begin to imagine what next year is going to be like, but it's right around the corner so I guess we'll find out real soon. i know there's going to be a lot of changes...you know how you just feel like somethings in the middle of a change...especially with the new job, finding a nice place, and finishing up school.
It's still sometimes hard to believe I've made it this far. Life's always been such a big struggle...when I get a break from it all, it better be amazing...and well worth it. (Although I'm sure it will be)

The New Job...

My new job is fabulous! I love it...my job is right next to a Chipotle....AND who new there was that many gay men in Passporting...and some...not so bad ;)

The only down side to this job, besides any free time of course, is that about 75% of my coworkers calls me Anton instead of Antoine. It doesn't bother me too too much though. I was invited to a holiday party for the company and I feel like I should go, except I was planning on throwing my own holiday party and it was suppose to be set for the same day. Urg. Decisions decisions...what should I do?

Besides work, I have until Monday to have a rough cut shot and edited for my editing class and I wont have my hands on a camera until tomorrow night....urg....well...when it's all done I'm excited to show everyone, I decided I'm going to TRY to do a fake movie trailer of my life.

Busy busy busy.

Doubt...

So I have a lot of things on my plate. I understand a lot of people wouldn't do what I'm doing...meaning the 3 jobs I have the internship and going to school full time. A lot of people have told me that I'm going to burn myself out or get old fast and that I'm not going to last too long.

At first I would let it roll off my shoulder because I remember a time hearing that my father didn't believe I'd make it past my first year of college. I guess I expected a little more from some of my friends but I guess I'd rather them speak their minds than be fake. At the same time I'd want support in what I'm doing not just negative feedback.

And lately my mind has been elsewhere. And I wish it would stop wondering to that same thought....ever had a thought or something or even someone on your mind you just would like to stop thinking about. My wandering mind has been getting on my last nerve...I'm going to go shower and maybe have a little walk downtown.

Falling Into Place

Stanley Associates FINALLY gave me start date...I'll be starting with them a week from today...and no I will not be getting rid of any of my jobs, I'll simply just be adding it onto my schedule. I really just need one of my coworkers to switch their graveyard shift with my morning shift and all will be perfect!

Other than that an old friend of mine, CJ, possibly might be moving back to the city depending on whether or not he gets this job he interviewed for or not. I'll touch more on that subject when we find out more info, but I do want to talk to him about that a little more.

Not too long ago I told a little about mister man from Canada that I was staying in contact with. I was really into him but realistically he's really far, even if he is willing to come and see me for Christmas and New Years it'll never be anything substantial. Lately I've been so busy I almost forget what my house looks like, I've hardly been home. I swear I'm paying for a storage and not rent. I've been so busy with work and hanging out with Vi a lot. Urg...speaking of busy, I must have lost track of time, forgot I have to get to class!!!

The Best I Can Be Right Now

SO...thought it would be nice to let the world know I start my money making job finally at the end of this month! I'm really excited...no more broke hoe. I was really down about a few things but I've realized that I'm the best I can be right now. For someone who can work 3 jobs and have an internship plus go to school full-time, I think is quite commendable and I'm very proud of myself. I can't help but just feel like school is taking too long to get over with but I'm sure everyone feels that way about school.

Soon financially I'll be where I want to be, as far as where I live I think I really would like to move to the a better neighborhood. The excelsior isn't a bad neighborhood but it's not the Castro and I'm sure I'd still get looks if I were to be caught holding hands with a love interest of mine or what have you. So I'm thinking near Valencia and 16th or of course the Castro or near Delores, or maybe somewhere kinda close to downtown.

As far as my love life, I'm so over being this victim of "love" or what could be perfect. I've dated and considered a few guys keeping in my life in these past 5 months I've been single but I don't think I was ever really over Marcus. And I went things about it the wrong way, instead of going out more often I just kept myself busy and worked worked worked, and went out every once in a while, maybe i should've switched it a little. Tried some places new to go out or something. Either way I think I'm at that crossroad where I know that no one wants a broken heart, and I would have rather not met him so I would have never felt like this, but I accept it and I'm continuing with my life. I finally realized there was nothing else I could've done, and I deserve to be happy so why not find someone who'll make me happy and I can make them happy. I'm the best I can be right now and if it's not enough then it's best to pass me by so we both can continue with our lives, and that's exactly what's happening...and I'm completely fine with that....at least now I am.

Rest In The Morning

This morning I actually did not have work, although I do have a study group later and then class right after...and then....Kareoke night! Now I don't sing Kareoke but I sure do love having a little something to drink and laugh and sing along with everyone else who does it. So me and a big group of friends will be at The Mint tonight....It'll be Me, Vi, Thao, Diana, Frank, Jenn, Bella, Brian, Peter, Grace, and possibly nicole, kay ann, and Valentina. I'm so excited!
Although the next day I have to bust out a paper and finish the transfer application and the application for my actual certificate not to mention a little more research on different schools for my internship ish.

Lately I've had a little time to think, and I keep thinking about my current past. I'm not as hurt anymore but I'm starting to feel like maybe I haven't gotten rid of those feelings yet. What in the hell do I have to do to get that perfect person off of my mind.

I've been off work for 6 hours which means I'm not getting paid at the moment

Ever get that feeling, "shit, what am I doing home? this means I'm not getting paid right now!" Although I have been beyond busy lately, I still have a little extra time on my hands now that my schedule is somewhat in its grove....although the final job has yet to start and I'm hoping will start within the next week or so.

Then again I know for a month my face will be missing from the planet eart and work work working until I get the flow of things again....then soon after I'll look to add on to my plate to see how well I can manage. What's getting to me is, I planned on keeping myself this busy to get my mind off of things and to move on from things so I wouldn't have time to think about them, and it somewhat worked but now that I have actually been able to go home for more than 6 hours I've been having time to think about everything again.

If life was easy and I could choose how everything was suppose to play out...everything would be fine, fabulous and, fantastic...but I guess thats what makes life worth living?

The Days in Drag

I went in drag for halloween this year and I had a great time...however...I'm tired of make up and wigs and making sure "my hair" is okay every few minutes. It's hard when you're in drag because the rules aren't the same as far as flirting goes. If someone flirts with you, you want to make sure they know you're not a girl so you're both not dissapointed...and even then you have to think okay if he thinks I'm cute as a girl and is into this, is he going to think I'm cute as a boy and am I even into this?
I have friends that do drag all the time, Me, my sister Vi, and my homegirl co-worker Reggie decided all three of us are going to go to Diva's (this tranny club) possibly next week, and Vi was talking about having a drag party. I'm excited...
Life has yet to slow down for me however, everythings been constantly moving so fast I'm starting to spin...I'm always tired and really....really...need a drink!

You Know You Belong in the City When...

...you realize you're not paying for rent...you're to busy to even get anywhere near 8 hours of sleep and have to rush in the shower...and that you're really only paying "rent" for storage.

I have been so busy it's disgusting...but exciting! 3 days ago I had work at one job, from 10am to 3pm, then work at another job from 3pm to 11pm, then work at the same job but a different site from 12am to 8am....so technically I worked from 10am to 8am. RIDICULOUS...but exciting none the less. The day before that I think I slept at a friends house I was at the night before, and the night before that I came home around 3ish in the morning. The longest I've been home in the past 5 days I think is a total of 3 to 4 hours. But that'll change tonight!

After today, I will be in various different outfits all pertaining to Miss Queen...Dee Rose...you are going to love it! Too many events I'm going to this week, and I just realized that this Premiere film festival thing I'm suppose to be going to, to be this guys assistant pretty much, is a night where I'm suppose to be in class....ugh...Have to be at two places at the same time! But of course I can do it!

Waking up in the Marina District

I have this genuine hate for the marina district and the stuck up hoes in it due to the fact that half these bastards look down on other people because they don't have as much money as they do. I have no problem with people having money, if you have money, girl work it out, but these people are far beyond humble.
Anyway, my closest friend, who's also one of the closest things I have to family, Vi, has finally moved back to San Francisco and I'm beyond happy about it. It was nice going solo but it feels great having my sistah from another mistah by my side again. I've been helping him get his stuff together in his place (which is out here in the Marina...ugh).
Not really having been home in a while makes me realize how much i dislike the excelsior also. Alway's having to stare down someone because they wanna act like they've never seen a gay man before really get's old after a while. Sure we're in San Francisco but certain parts of it are not really ghetto per say, just has a bunch of "macho" ignorant fools up in it..mostly straight men I hate to say but it's true. Female's look and you can stare at hoe and she know's she can be handled so she looks the other way, men want to act all macho and hard in front of everyone so of coarse they're up for making a scene.
I haven't had an issues with anyone per say but I am getting tired of the excelsior....haight or castro would be amazing!
Being on this side of the city with my Vi just makes me feel happy though. Let me just say that it has been a rough year, and thank goodness everything is falling into place again.. it's just I'm getting busy beyond my own good..I'm not sure I'm leaving myself with enough time for more work...which is I guess what my plan was all along.

Teaching lessons across U.S. Borders

Mr man from Canada is now back in Canada but he wanted to stay in touch so he has a local phone number so we can still talk. Touchingly, he said that I impressed him and made him think twice about a few things we've talked about.

For one he really liked that I showed genuine care about my friends, and secondly...we had this conversation about how some gay people are really over the top with their personalities. He was telling me how he didn't like it when guys were so over the top because he didn't think it was their real personalities and they just do it to put on a show. I asked him what makes him think that, and he said because they're not like that when they're younger or when they're in the closet. I told him that's because they're too busy hiding who they really are when they're younger or in the closet. They don't want to hint to anyone who they really are.

So he thinks I somewhat opened up his eyes a little, and I'm glad to have done it. That's one person touched who's learned a little bit more about life, a bazillion left to go!

Sidenote: He want's me to go and visit him in Canada... that would be amazing... I'm just a little scared that if I do go out there, I won't be coming back!!! hahaha

Time Almost Left My Little Self Behind...

I completely didn't realize today was Monday. I've been so busy with everything going on and trying to get through last week that I didn't realize last week had already came and gone. I've got some catching up to do tonight, as well as getting ahead.

Although everything has been rushed lately I must say that my Halloween costume is coming together quite Lovely. I'm hoping you all approve of course so far part one of my outfit: my roomie Jenn and homegirl Bella really like. I just have to get part 2 together and still keep up with everything else going on around me.

I don't want to get to emotional(not like I ever really do) but I have to get to class in 15 minutes so I'm keeping this one short and sweet!

Boy From Canada

On the dancefloor of badlands I met another handful of people last night. One guy with a different name of Thayer who seemed really cool and a perfect fit for my group of friends....they would love him...and this boy named Declan who was from Canada here on vacation.

After finding out Declan was from Canada of course I had to give him 21 questions since we all know that I'm all about moving there. He explained that every place has it's good and it's bad but he would never move to the states from Canada at all. The equal rights and healthcare is worth paying higher taxes. He also said the clubs out there were a lot bigger...AND Queer as Folk was actually filmed out there in Toronto's gay district "the village". So I'm pretty much DYING to go and see what it's like out there now...I just know if I go that I won't be buying a plane ticket back to the states.

A side note...I'm not really a fan of Miley Cyrus, I do kinda like her song "Party in the U.S.A." but is it me or does she just seem like the new aged version of Lyndsay Lohan, who had better luck with her singing career?

But here's the link to the song I actually kinda like by her...embarrassing I know...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M11SvDtPBhA

Something Old, and Something New...

I am beyond excited that my sister Vi is coming back to the city today. I'll see him tomorrow for sure, I'll be helping him move. Then I'm meeting with this guy who sounds like a good contact as far as a politics and the television industry tomorrow for a possibly future internship.

URG...this Queen has yet to have a damn break. I've been busting my ass with these jobs and trying to keep up in school but have been slacking in the internship department because everything else has been taking up not only my time but my energy. My personal life has been put on hold for a little while BUT I know we'll be back in the fastlane if not this weekend by halloween.

I got some really sad news not last night but the night before. A really close friend of mine tested HIV positive, and it's so sad. He's a year younger than I am and has barely been in the city 6 months. It's really scary just thinking about it. I've decided to get tested this weekend and after I get my results, no sleeping with anyone unless we're actually dating. It's not worth being scared for your life about.

On the brighter side of my world right now....My costume is going to be off the hook this year for halloween ;)

Missed...

I've been back in the dating world for sometime now and have been having a lot of fun but something is missing and I'm just not feeling it lately. I'm not to sure what it's all about but I'm hoping I figure what the hell these feelings are all about.

I haven't been able to talk to my mom as much as I'd like too lately and I really wish I had more of her support but you can only do so much. It's okay though I've been on my own two feet for a while now, I just want a break is all I'm asking for. A time where I'm not worried about what job I have to go to the next day, when I'm going to working at the new job, what school assignment should I be doing right now, is it going to be okay if I go out tonight, and maybe actually get out of california to see what else is out there. I'm not asking for someone to take care of me, I just want a little tiny break, and lord knows I'm not waiting to be an old bitty to enjoy life.

Speaking of work I think I'll be starting the other new job within the next two weeks! I've yet to apply to an internship but after my schedule is going the way I'd like it too, I should be able to control the world again!

Charlie's New Angel

Starting my new job at Universal Protection Services surprised me big time when I realized I actually kinda sorta without a doubt like my job haha. I mean my little self as security is already hard to believe. It's not the type of security where I'm walking around in a uniform with a shiny badge on, instead I have a suit I have to wear! It's fitting with my schedule perfect so far, the only thing is when I'm not working there I almost would rather be back working. Maybe it's just the thought that I'm actually going to start having money again haha. Anyway, I feel like a complete Charlie's Angel whenever I'm working haha.

I'm really excited for the position with Stanley Associates to start. I've never made as much money as they've offered. I think I'm more excited to see if I can survive working 2 full time jobs, a part time job, school full time, as well as some sort of personal life! I know I can do it, I just can't wait to actually see me do it!

On the other hand I am kind of worried. Everyone's been kind of doubtful and thinks I'm not going to have time to sleep, and that I'll burn myself out. I'm going to do it, I'm going to have to if I want to continue living any kind of happy life because being broke is not cute!

When You Don't Ask For Help...

Not having started the new jobs yet I'm still struggling to get by but none the less I'm making it. I'm really not use to not having enough money to get by. But at the same time I know I'm not going to die tomorrow. I know right now I may be broke, but the thing is as soon as I start my new jobs I should have enough money not only to get by, but to pay off my debt and hopefully maybe afford to move to the castro if I save up enough which shouldn't be a problem.

Eshonna came down to the city from L.A. this weekend and she thought that not only am I not asking for help but I'm not accepting help and that it's an ego thing. My take on it is if I can still afford to pay my bills then I shouldn't need help even if it means I have to eat top ramen for 2 weeks or so. I'm hoping I start one of the new jobs by the end of this week, and my other job, crossing fingers, in another 2 to 3 weeks. I still haven't found time to really look for internships.

Changing that note up a little, I've noticed I've been really in my head lately. I feel like maybe I'm thinking too much about everything in my life. I've been in a very Imogen heap, Postal service mood lately...urg

When one door closes...

They say when one door closes another door opens...I'm going to go ahead and say when you get kicked out of your house, you can find you a mansion.

I had been going through a downward spiral, and I hate bringing it up but it's all for the better...

My perfect boyfriend dumped me, my mother had been sent back to the Phillipines, I constantly became sick, and then was laid off of my full time job.....and the revision....was dating, now I think I'll let Mr. Right come find me when he has time, me and my mother talk as much as we possibly can considering we're in completely opposite time zones and we can only really talk online, and I was just hired as of TODAY at Stanley Associates which is going to pay me the most money I think I've ever made. School's going great, I'll have my Video Production Certificate at the end of this semester, HOPEFULLY an AA in radio and television next semester, and I'm praying my BA in Broadcasting the semester after that. I've finally gotten over my sickness!!!

My sister Vi is moving back to the city and I can not wait to see him again, let alone having him back in the city.

I've pulled it together...and hopefully made another miracle happen thank god!

So I currently just have to wait until the company's extensive background check goes through which can take anywhere from a few weeks to a month and a half! Either way I'm excited to be back in business.

I feel as though I'm walking down a busy sidewalk downtown, and my problems are in the building I'm leaving and the solution is in the subway where I'm going, and I'm somewhere in between the two walking straight to the subway, and not looking back at that building. It feels great!

Sweet Sweet September....

So September kind of creeped up on us there didn't it?

Anyway I've been laid off from the lovely Shell Vacations Club which is why I haven't really been online and able to blog but so much has been going on....kind of a blessing in disguise so far I guess you can say ;)

I've been interviewing and applying everywhere and it's pretty much about to drive me insane. I've been to 2 interviews with Wells Fargo, 2 interviews with Stanley Associates (ugh I'm hoping I get it so bad!) and the security proffesional thing MIGHT finally be coming along.

It's labor day weekend and the last dat...actual labor day....I have off and I'm spoiling it by being with my lonesome, as corny as it may sound, but I mean I hardly EVER have a day where it's just me and no people at all, if not I have stacks of crap to do all day.

Some light good news, I'll find out whether I get the job at Stanley tomorrow so I'm really excited about that and am trying my best to stay positive.

I've stopped dating none the less because I'm too busy trying to get my life back together from the little explosions that have been going off in I know youg guys have been begging for something happier to go on, we haven't reached destination happy yet, but we'll get there...soon I hope.

Restart My Date Drive/School's back in Session

Being back in the dating world is a lot of fun, but can also be awkward at times. When you're just dating people you don't want to get too attached to one person right away until you feel them out completely and view all of your options.

Now the last time I re-entered the dating world, I dated mostly/only men that...well, let's just say, were well established, although my last boyfriend was a regular joe similar to myself. This time around I think I'm going to mix it up a bit just to see where this ride will take me. I'm hanging on tight and so far we've got 3 contenders....or just 3 people in mind, although I'm not too sure if any/all of them will make it to the next date, or who else I'll date next....

Guy 1: Met on accident at a bar. Thought he was a customer of mine, but turns out he was actually a neighbor. Haven't been on a real date with him but we've hung out. He's an herb grower if you catch my drift which is pretty cool, I've never dated a guy who actually grows. Although he has AIDS it doesn't really bother me considering I've dated a guy with HIV before and even have close friends who are HIV positive...including my last counselor....and yes...I am negative. This guy is dating other people too who are positive, I think I may be his first encounter since he's been infected that isn't positive but is willing to date him.

Guy 2: Met at a dance club as he was putting his drink down, I thought he was sneaking behind me to try to dance with me so I grabbed him and started dancing with him. He's a cool guy, kind of more of a private person unlike myself but so far I really like that about him. He's really sweet, we went to go see Julie and Julia the day after we met and caught a really late dinner. I think we're doing breakfast or coffee on Wednesday, I'm really excited to see him again! He's 23, in school, and also works at bloomies!

Guy 3: Doesn't know he's a candidate but I'm pretty sure he's interested. Met him at a dance club also, we were both kind of drunk and danced the entire night, I had a lot of fun with him. He's a guy with an accent though and my experience with men and accents have never ended well, but he's so charming and so cute! He's got a spanish accent, he works 2 jobs like myself! I think I'm going to be gutsy with this one and be the one to ask him out. We exchanged numbers than ran into eachother again on muni a couple days later. He called me late last night when I was at a bar and I've tried to call him back but got the voicemail, so I'll try again later.

Other than that we'll see, I'm excited for Restarting my dating life! School starts tonight....I'll be in class from 6:30 to 9:30...urg...I get off work at 5 so I have more than enough time to get there and find this class...I'm really exdcited...it's Digital Video Editing. YAY!!!! I've started my online courses earlier today, let's just hope I get my own computer soon before they start getting tough!

Sick...

So I'm sick! All I want to do is sleep. I'm always exauhsted, and I don't even really have an appetite ever to be honest so when I eat I'm pretty much force feeding myself. Every time i cough it feels like my stomache is in workout mode and aches.

Today I have to try to get a loan, I'm hoping my damn bank will give me one. I need a computer before school starts wich is in about 2 weeks otherwise i'm screwed! Most of my classes are online courses.

I really have to find a new full time job asap, I'm pretty sure my department is going to be closed by the end of September which is about a month away. It sucks being sick because no one's going to want to interview a sicky, and not to mention as much as I want to take a day off to get over this, I can't because I desperately need the hours.

URG.... But I'll get through this, I WILL I WILL!!!!

Considered Strong

Everyone always thinks that I'm this really strong person who's been able to get through so much.

I will admit that I've had a lot of things that I've had to deal with and work through, but at the same time I've really had no other choice in the decisions I've made.
For example working two jobs. If you were put in a position where you were supporting yourself for college, and your rent and all your bills and stuff, what else would you do? Would you not work both jobs and let yourself get evicted, or your water shut off, or your phone cut off, or would you simply go to work every single day.

Another example, my family and me being gay. I've been denied as a family member by some but what am I suppose to do? Stay in the closet to keep them happy or continue living my life the way I want to? I know a few men who stayed in the closet, and met one actually last night who stayed in the closet until he was 31 just too keep his mother happy. Would you continue living a lie, or would you do what was right and move on with your life?

I don't know if I'm explaining myself right, but I really do LOVE hearing people say, "Antoine you are such a strong person," "I don't know who could go through what you have and still be standing," "I look up to you," It gives me this feeling that I've kicked ass at some of life's toughest battles. But at the same time...I question myself, Did I get through it because of luck, because there really was no letting yourself loose? I don't want to sell myself short and say I didn't get through hard times because I have, but have I because there was really no way too loose?

I can't explain my thoughts on this one, I'm actually doing a really bad job at it, but okay....
put yourself in this scenario...
your 18, both of your parents are gone, and you've barely got a roof over your head....what would you do? Now ask yourself what's the opposite action of your answer, and answer me if that is a real possibility of anyone actually doing it. I'm trying my best here I know it's a little sloppy but hey.

Well...I've gotta find me another job here...if you hear anything open, let me know ;)

New song I've been obsessed with....



and my favorite song from the New Black Eyed-Peas album.... (will blog about it tomorrow)

Staying Positive As It All Falls Down

I've tried to stay positive, and continually am trying my hardest too with this mess I've got going on here.

I've noticed not everyone is a very positive person, there's some filtering out I've gotta do I think. I need to limit the amount of time I spend with some people and probably stop hanging out with certain ones all together.

I know at a time like this you need your family there to support you, with me having lack there of, you would think I need my friends, but some of them are so negative and some of them really are just not good friends. What I need is another miracle. I'm praying that God has another one in store for me up there.

I found out that I wont be able to go to school at state in the Spring semester, and I also found out this job that I was offered an interview for was complete spam. I think I've also found out that my ex is dating someone else.

But on the positive side, I guess that means that I can take another semester at city and get this other Associates degree that I wanted, the "spam" job offer was all the way over by the ballpark and I can't stand the type of people over there anyway, and I'm over being under Marcus, so this will finally put the finishing touches on getting over him....I think I am, but for some reason I still care so I'm sort of confused to be honest.

This is the past 24 to 48 hours in a nut shell.

Once you're at your lowest...there's only one way to go

So yesterday I found out my main job cut my hours from working 5 days a week to only working 2 days a week.

I haven't cried about it yet which i think is really odd, kinda scary actually. When it comes to my jobs I'm usually really emotional, I'm scared that I'm going to have a breakdown later since I haven't even let it really sink in yet. I'll probably feel it when I see that first paycheck that can't even pay rent.

So I'm going to have to try to find an additional job. I've already applied to about 6 or 7 this morning. The only thing I have that's letting me have or feel any kind of emotion is me playing the Beyonce Experience over and over right now.

I don't understand how everything just got flipped upside down when things were going so right. But I'll get through this, I just have to have hope that this will just be something else I can say I got through with my head held high.

Wish me luck.

Payday...

Yes Yes, it's that wonderful time where I get paid. Although I already have to go home and write two checks. Rent, and comcast bill. I also have to pay one of my Credit card bills as well as my gym.

So last night I get home and I talk to my mom online for pretty much the entire evening, as well as taking my numerous phone calls, ya'll know I'm the hotline to call if you ever need anyone to call, my phone is always in use. But it feels so good to be able to talk to my mother again. I talked to one of my close friends last night and he's going through some man issues too.

News Update: Just found out that the night before last I ended up making out with a couple...lovely. It sounds like to me Domino is back in full effect...and I don't think I mind.

But I was up until 2 pretty much talking to both him and my mom. With everyone having all these man issues, I don't know if I want to just put myself out there anymore. Everyone is tainted or has baggage or ends up letting you down when it comes to a commitment. And I don't think I deserve to go through that again, My colors are not depressed, they're happy, and very much show stopping.

So watch out world, Until I find Mister Right I think Antoine is going to take a rest, and Both th Queen Bee and Domino are in full swing.

"Men"

So the date isn't going to be happening this week, or maybe at all with the guy that it was going to be with. It's okay though....Next!

So I met this one guy at this bar I always go to last week, and he was telling me how pretty much he's a "player" (that's a hoe in my book) and doesn't do relationships. What is up with the world right now? Did I miss the memo or something that says every god damn gay man is not suppose be into relationships? This is why I'm use to dating older men, because they have some sort of maturity (but not all of them let me tell you, some are merely boys in disguise). Anywho, that's 3 "men" i've ran into back to back to back that don't do relationships.

I'm obviously meeting them at the wrong places, not that I'm looking for it when I go to a club or a bar, but come on now, alcohol + dancing + strangers + everyone all dressed up, somethings bound to happen every once in a while. One thing I've noticed is I've gotten pretty good at meeting people at bars now. Don't know how I do it but I guess I'm just pretty good at being mister social butterfly.

Anyway so I ran into the guy again, and he was telling me how he met this guy he was about to hook up with and apparently the guy got all sprung off of him within the night that they met. NOT GOOD... another thing I learned, even if you jump into a relationship, I don't think I'll be letting myself fall head over heels for a guy until I see a ring on this finger. HAHAHA no I'm just kidding...

You should definitely let yourself live a little, but at the same time don't forget you have a brain to think with, and your not suppose to think too too much with your heart. Be careful out there people, there's definitely some heart breakers....there's also some dogs too as you can see.

To lighten the mood I came across this video online, and it was HILARIOUS....had to share it....The girl in it is brilliant.

Beyonce Post-I Am Tour

Beyonce' worked it out! I have never seen her get down so hard! I was so excited I almost threw up twice, and the show was so good I almost cried 3 different times. Let me just say that those people that paid over 200 dollars for their tickets most definitely got their moneys worth, she was all up in the audience and everything! I'm definitely going to save up for her next concert!

I lost my voice by the end of the night but got it back the next morning! The show was amazing and I can't wait to buy it on DVD, those that're going to her show in Vegas where she's having it recorded on DVD are getting hotel rooms with their tickets, but those tickets ain't cheap at all!!!! I think the cheapest ticket is over 200 bucks.

I went out to QBar after the concert and met a really nice guy named Nate. Tall, tan, and handsome! He seems really nice, the only thing about him is he's not ready to actually date and be serious. What's up with these men who don't want to be serious? well, whatever floats your boat, I just know I want something real, and I can't have anything real with someone who doesn't want anything serious. so.....NEXT...

I do have a date coming up later this week still though, kinda excited about that, but until then...still on the market. I forgot being single feels so empowering ;)

Speaking of which, I found this video of Beyonce' rehearsing and I thought it was so cute and very appropriate....enjoy...

Beyonce' Pre-I Am Tour

Now if you know anything at all what-so-ever about me, you know that I am the Black and Filipino gay male version of Beyonce'. I know all her albums/videos/concerts by heart, and yes...includes choreography!

Tonight is her big night over here in the Bay Area, she'll be performing in Oakland and I am of course will be there. You know I have to support my girl, and I haven't seen her in so long so it's best that I go. She always makes me so happy! I've seen most of her interviews and performances and sometimes watching them is the easiest remedy for me to get out of a bad mood.

I'm already out of that slump I was in even though I thought this concert was going to be my way to being happy again, looks like the excitement of it all did the job itself. I can only imagine what the concert is going to be like. If I ever got a chance to meet her, I'm sure I'd black out and wake up STILL in tears and disbelief.




Don't forget to check out her new Video for "Sweet Dream" also!!!

Post-Mess

So everything's been going quite alright, although my allergies have been kicking my ass lately. I was actually able to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night last night, although I ended up going to sleep pretty late.

I'm pretty sure my mom is in the Philippines by now. When I logged onto AIM, it notified me that one of my old screen names added me as a friend, which was the screen name my mother used from time to time. So I'm sure she's gotta be out by now. Fingers crossed.

I think I want a new group of gay friends again somewhat like back in the day but of course more adult this time, and all living in the city hopefully. It's so nice to have a group of 3 or 4 other friends that you can all just go out and have coffee or dinner or for a few drinks with. But I'm not going to lie, it's been a while since I had a little "crew" and I kinda like going solo and going out with one or two friends at a time. But a little group would be nice...maybe I need to give it a test run...any applicants?

So Beyonce's concert is tomorrow, and I am beyond excited. You guys know how I feel about my Beyonce'. That's my girl!!!! I'm the black and filipino gay male version of her...I know all if not most of her concerts by heart, including the coreagraphy!!! I'm so excited. I had bad things come in three so lets hope good things come in three also....so far my mom might be out of jail, theres beyonce's concert tomorrow, and a possible date next week? hmmmm...we'll see! I'm excited none the less.

I almost feel re-newed and upgraded after that mess I just got out of, even though I've changed a bit. Well world...brace yourselves!

Back On The Throne.

For the past week or so I've been waking up around 3:30ish in the morning and not being able to fall back asleep for about an hour. It's been such a pain in the ass. Any remedies anyone know of for this?

But anyway, last night when I woke up I was able to just go to sleep without having to use a pillow to pretend like it was a certain someones arm wrapped around me. I woke up this morning back with my drive to conquer the world.

I truly believe I'm a good person. I try my best to love everyone that I let in my life, and try my best to leave some kind of imprint in everyone's life that I cut out of my life. I try not to judge too much, I love making people laugh, and I strongly believe that a smile is contagious, and always am trying to lend a helping hand.

I know that beauty comes from the inside of a person. I have so much to live for and so much to give to the world. So no more pathetic-ness, no more being down. I know I'm going through a lot right now but let me say this again...If I can't get through this, I'm not ever going to be able to get through anything.

Do I miss my mom yes, but her decisions and what happens to her right now can't affect what I need to get done with my life. Do I miss Marcus yes, but I'm not the partner he wants, therefore it wasn't meant to be, so I can't let that stop me from meeting people who are going to want me to be there partner. There's going to be other men out there that will appreciate me as much as he did and will be that special someone for me....

So until then....Cheers everybody.

(Pre) The Aids Walk 2009

Back in the day, I use to always volunteer with my mother at the aids walk. It use to be a lot of fun!

This year, with my mother not here, I decided that I'm actually going to walk...I have a close friend who has HIV, and I knew him before he caught it. So this year me and him will be walking together. I'm really excited! I'm going to need some sponsors though....you can donate online on my site at the following website....

aidswalksanfran2009.kintera.org/antoine

You guys have until July 18th to get your donations in!

...And Life Is Telling Me I'm Still Good At This

So I've registered for classes...and I officially will have my certificate in Video Production and Editing after this semester! Not to mention my schedule is amazing. I'm taking 14 units but only have to be on campus on Mondays and Wednesdays from 6:30 to 9:30....amazing! I still will be working from Sunday-Sunday.... yeah...still 7 days a week...ugh...but you know all Queen Bee's have big bills to pay.

But to add on to the greatness...the class that I do have to show up for is Digital Video Editing....I'm beyond Excited...

AND...I also found out that I got this Scholarship that I applied for...It's $500.00, not much but money is money! I can't wait to get my hands on it...I just have to meet with my school counselor twice this semester than they hand it to me I think.

To add onto things...I'm pretty sure (fingers crossed) that I'll be getting financial aid hopefully, I found out how to do a Dependency Overide, I'm just hoping that it goes through! This is my guardian Angel telling me, "when things get rough, you will always come out on top. You are too good at life to give up and let yourself become a mess, so don't you even think about starting that pathetic shit now!" Well...I'm sure most guardian angel's don't have a potty mouth, but the way I talk I'm sure he/she swears at least a little bit! haha.

Next semester....Bring it! Damn...I still need to get a new comp before classes start :/

New Pay Period?

Being back on my toes is nice, although I'm a little more intimidated by myself.

So on the bright side of things, Beyonce's concert is 10 Days away from today. I can't wait. I'm OH so ready. Registration for classes is tomorrow, so I'm kind of scared of what my schedule is going to be like because it always affects how much money I make, but I'm so close to being done I can just taste that degree...and all that money I'mma be makin'!

I'm so excited to be done with it all...UGH.

Lately I've been catching myself fantasizing about being this amazing performer on stage. I don't know why, but I just love it! I always imagine myself on stage with this big crowd and me just being amazing! haha. I know it's goofy but I love to do it. Everytime I have my ipod on and it's an upbeat song, chances are I'm performing in my head.

Right now I'm stuck on the song by The Scripts - The Man That Can't Be Moved. I love that guys voice. Enjoy....
Darn it...I couldn't find a link that I could embed on here so you'll have to youtube them.

Chow ;)

Recovering

I didn't think that Pride weekend was going to be as fun as I thought it was going to be, but I had a blast! There were a few moments I thought, "what if" but for the most part I was having too much fun to care. I didn't really drink too much, but I had enough in me to let loose a little and be just a little big carefree.
It was Clara's first pride, and I'm sure one she'll never forget. It was great having Sherry there, I love that girl...It's always a pleasure to see Vanessa, she's my little guardian angel. I ran into a lot of people, it was kind of excessive but I did make a few new friends as well.

I talked to Marcus for a short 2 seconds, and we decided to talk over dinner or something later on in the week. I'm not entirely too sure what I'm going to say or want to say, but I know that I'll say what's right when the time comes.

I recieved a letter from my mother, and I know it's the letter that tells me she's being sent back to the Phillipines but I haven't been brave enough to open it yet. But I'll do it this week, I've already made an oath to myself.

I'm not ready to be at peace with the world yet but I'm getting there. I'm at the stage to where I'm just easily annoyed and find myself raising my eyebrow to everything that is said that sounds even the least bit sarcastic, but I'm trying my best to not take anything at this point personal or say anything out of line and just take note of whats going on to observe it later.

I need a lot of time to myself right now. It's honestly really hard to sit in a group of people and not look like I'm pissed off at the world. I just need someones hand to hold every once in a while and when not that, just my little room will do me just fine.

I'm really looking forward to the Beyonce' concert, she's just 11 days away from hearing my voice in her audience, and trust me, she will hear it! The scratches on my face from the fall are healing up really nicely, and so are my feelings. I feel like I'm a bit tougher person now, but I think I'm letting it tern me into a more bitter person. Well...Time will only tell, but for now, Beyonce' HURRY UP!!!!

P.S.

I think Domino's going to be M.I.A. for a while, Antoine will be taking messages for him if you neccessary. ;)

Face Meets Cement.

Waking up this morning was rough... considering I didn't remember last night ending. I felt like a brick had hit my face. Turns out I ended up drinking my problems "away" since I heard Diesel was having this party with an open bar. Ended up getting kicked out and my little friend couldn't lift me so i was literally falling on my face now suffering from a scratched up face. I threw up all over the place and passed out leaving my phone in my friends car.

So I had a break down this morning. I started crying and couldn't stop or control it. Thank you so much Clara and Jenn for being there for me. With my mothers situation and just being broken up with, it all just came down on me. I usually can suck it up but this morning after letting myself be a mess last night... I had a breakdown.

So I called in for another personal day off so I could collect myself. Clara treated me to an amazing lunch and then we went to the park since it's hot in the city. Then we came back home, it was a little too hot for our liking. I'm sure I have some more thinking to do and probably will cry a few more times. But the week is over thank god...the month is almost over...and Beyonce's Concert is coming up soon so I'm very excited! That concert is going to be my cure for this slump I'm in, I just know it!

But no more pity drinking for me....that's for sure over. And thank you so much Clara for today. It definitely brightened up my day!

Dent in My Persona..Anniversary Edition

So this week has been a bitch to get through haha. Bad things usually come in three's so I'm waiting on my third one...but at the same time trying to hang in by a thread to stay positive. I haven't been able to go a full day without crying but I'm pretty sure I'm doing much better now. It's really hard because I'm not the type who cries unless it's a goodbye or a break-up, and these things don't happen very often so when I do cry it's usually a pretty big deal to me.

I've noticed that everything this weeks affects on me and how I'm interacting with people and who has sympathy, and who says just get over it, and every minor detail. Usually things that would annoy me I'm able to let brush past me like either I didn't notice it, or I can laugh about it just as well and move on.

It sure is one son of a bitch that we can't control what happens in our life, and whether this new me is going to be long term or short term I feel like I've completely lost control of it. I feel like I'm just watching every single step I take now, almost like I'm scared to let anything get to me to make me feel worse then I already do. I've been trying to stay away from bad moods/feelings pretty much.

I just want to say to everyone who's been so supportive thank you so much, but I have to do this on my own. If I can't get through the things that have happened so far this week I'll never get through anything and I'll always be weak in my own eyes. And to those that don't have sympathy, just keep your mouth shut for a while...thanks.

I wont be able to see my mom anytime soon I know, but I'm hoping she'll call me as soon as she get's back to the Philippines, and Marcus and I are over which is for the better considering the feelings weren't mutual for eachother, which is not the kind of relationship I want to be in, I'm going to want someone who really wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them, it can't be a one-sided relationship, no matter how good he is to me. It still hurts but these are the facts.

Well, back to my life

P.S.
Happy Suppose to be Anniversary.

When It Rains It Pours...

Just when I thought the week couldn't get any worse then it already has by my boyfriend breaking up with me... I'm proven wrong!

So my mother was arrested a long time ago for something, and she did her time in jail. After that time was up, I guess what the United States does if you're not born here, then they try to send you back to where you were originally born. Now my mother was a full citizen, I mean come on now, she went to school here, got married here, had 3 kids here...and so on...

Anyway she's been fighting this battle for about 2 to 3 years now, and they kept doing appeal after appeal, then denying appeal after appeal. It got so tiring. One thing I didn't mention is they have her all the way out in Florence Arizona so it's not like I can just stop in during visiting hours. Apparently this happens to a lot of women in the U.S. My mother was writing me letters about these women she's met, one from Mexico (won her case and was released back to the bay area) another women from Spain and one from Arentina I believe (both of these women lost their case and was sent back to their country of births) and one other woman who lost her case, all of which had children and families, I think the only woman who won her case won, because she was still married I think.

Well I just found out yesterday my mother lost her case. They finally made a decision after keeping her in jail for an additional 2 years that she'll be flying back to the Phillipines as of July 8th, and wont be able to visit the U.S. again for another 5 years. Being realistic, I wont be able to afford a plane ticket (plus pay for a passport because I don't have one yet) anytime soon considering I still have tuition upon my other bills to pay.

What a week this has been. I'm mentally, emotionally, and am starting to feel physically exauhsted. I don't know what to do about everything that's happened this week, I really just want to run as far as I can and not look back, but I wouldn't know where to run to. I've accepted the fact that Marcus doesn't want me in his life or to be his boyfriend that is anymore, it still hurts...a lot... but I've somewhat accepted it, and I've had to accept that once again...I wont see my mother for a very very long time. What I need is a car, a full tank of gas, about $350.00 -$500.00, my ipod and a good 3 days off to go to destination unkonwn.

My heart is so tired.

Facing The Music

And now it's time for the hard part.

I have to get over it. The one thing I like about blogs is I get to talk about things without actually talking about it...so here goes....

So I have to get over it. I don't think I've ever felt this lost about a situation. I know what I have to do but I honestly don't want to do it. I don't want to forget about how good he was to me, I don't want to forget about the amazing dinners, the little jokes, waking up wrapped in his arms, or him wrapped in mine. I had never, out of all the men I've been with, felt so lucky to have a guy.

He wasn't loaded with money, he didn't have a super nice car, he didn't have a 3 story house, all he had to offer was himself (or so I thought) and I was completely happy with that. Our relationship wasn't long enough to have too many bad memories. All I catch myself thinking about is walking hand in hand with him and how I need to let that hand go...It's over...I need to stop pushing myself closer to the deep end of the pool. But instead I check my phone to see if I missed a text or something, wondering, I usually would've gotten a text from him by now.

I feel so pathetic, if anyone's good at get over something we all know I am the Queen at that. But I'm getting pulled deep here, and I'm missing the fresh air. Why wasn't there a life-guard to stop me from getting so deep.

I promise that this will be one of my last sappy depressing blogs.

And That Fast...It's Over

I couldn't find the right actual scene but in scene of the Moulin Rouge where Satine sings this song, Nicole Kidman's character realizes that she's about to die, and all that she's dreamed of, all that she's fantasized about, is over. It's not going to come true, and she let her heart lead the way instead of choosing what was logical under her circumstances.

I feel the exact same way right now. Not like I'm about to die, but like everything that I've been fantasizing about, everything I thought this relationship was going to turn into, has just been turned into dust. It hurts so bad, I'm reminded that I actually do have a heart, and that I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. I feel like a very elegant dinner set, and the expensive china was knocked over and shattered on the ground, left messy and dangerous to be around.

Why we broke up I haven't let sink in yet. He says that we weren't meant to be although he "loves me." He says that he wasn't ready. It hurts so bad. Right before the relationship started I asked him if he was ready for something serious do to his previous relationship, and he said he was so ready. I asked him to promise and he said he swore.

I'm not angry, I'm just really hurt. I feel defeated, empty, broken, out of words, and would just like it all to be a blur that I could barely remember. Like a dream you had last night after a long day today. I know in the end I will be okay, and life will go on, but I wish...I really do just wish, I hadn't put so much hope in what could have been and what might have been. I had never been so convinced of such a possible beautiful future with such a great guy by my side.

What More Could I Ask For?

So once again everythings been switching up on me, but of course in a good way. Things and people change due to whatever situations come up. I've noticed that I have been more about making myself happy and more concerned about what pleases me. I use to be really over concerned about everybody else and would bend over backwards as some would say to make everyone else happy. I think what brought on the change is this....

I do know that a lot of people care about me and I have a lot of close friends who would come to my rescue if I was in harms way... although if I just wanted to have someone do something because a bitch is a little tired and wants to be a tad bit lazy or if I'm just trying to get something done faster, I don't know if a lot of people would be there, however if the tables were turned... of course I would do it. I caught myself getting a little careless attitude, I almost said bitchy, but it's not really a bitchy attitude it's definitely just a careless one. I'm sure I've offended a person or two by saying "no," but they'll get over it, and I don't care really.

Mostly all my friends at this point in my life are all adults and it's a good time to finally just focus on myself and get what I want. Not saying I'm going to care less about my friends because everyone knows I have a huge heart and care way too much for people, but again...me time!

I now have a boyfriend that reminds me of myself kind of, works 2 jobs, going to school, and knows how to have a good time all in the same. I'm so close to finishing school...I can just taste that degree! I'm going through yet another change in who I am, and I'm just going to sit back and let this one happen. It is very different though, because I can already feel the difference in who I am, and how I act, and I'm still in limbo not sure if I like it too much, but definitely am accepting of it.

My next blog I'd like to address some previous issues I finally overcame that I don't have time for, nor the eneregy haha... but I'm very excited to finally share it and talk about it.

Marcus

It starts in a bar.

My high school friend that I liked to go dancing and drinking with had gotten accepted to do his masters out in Georgetown. I decided that we'd go out one last time before he travels off to his new exciting life, the fact being I wont see him for a very long time from then, maybe as far as not until our later high school reunion, assuming I'll show up that is. The kid has ambitions to live in Africa an stuff like that, while I like it here in San Francisco (still debating whether I should start saving to move to Canada if we don't get equal rights by the time I get my degree).

We were out in the smoking area having a couple drinks waiting on a few of my friends, it wasn't crowded enough for me to be dance and feel comfortable if that makes any sense. I like having a crowd around me dancing, it just gives me a certain comfortable feeling where you don't have to worry about everyone else around you, even though its them that makes me comfortable. As we waited it slowly started to get crowded, and then I saw him (not brian) come out to the smoking area lighting up a cigarette all by himself. I thought he was checking me out at first but I wasn't too sure, I paid no mind to it due to Brian already have finishing his first drink sitting on idle. We noticed that the crowd was really attractive that night, I said something like "oh girl, everyone is lookin' good tonight," Brian agree'd, and as we're noticing the crowd, the guy that was lighting his cigarette decided to come up to us and make conversation.

"The Dj here is pretty good isn't he?" or a question somewhere along those lines is what he said. But he said it so casually like if you were asking a stranger "do you know the time?" We made small talk and I found out he was alone that night, which I thought was really sad considering it was Friday night, a night which you usually go out with your friends, get plastered and dance until you run out of swet, JUST my kind of night. I'm thinking he was going to stick around but he told us he'd catch us around and went back inside. I go back to thinking about Brian's empty glass and how we need to fix that, so we go back inside to get him another drink. By this time, and it's only been about 10 maybe 15 to 20 minutes max, it's crowded, crowded enough to wear I can dance like a go-go dancer getting slipped hundreds, just workin' it out!

I usually order on the side of the bar closest to the part of the club I like to dance at, so I stick with one bartender the entire night. I lead the way through the crowd, not doing a very good job of it stumbling over people, having to turn and apologize to at minimum two people. I finally get to the side of the bar I'm happy with when I take my last step and stumble really bad onto a guy bad enough to where I have to look this guy in the face and really apologize, instead of simply turning and shouting "sorry about that." I turn around and it's the same guy who lit his cigarette outside that was making small talk. He turned with a concerned look on his face that said something like "what the hell is this about," but once he realized it was me, the same I realized it was him we both stopped and laughed. Brian ordered a drink, I offered for him to stick around and meet some of our friends since he told me before he was kind of new for a second time to the city.

My friends arrive, I introduce him to them, Brian has a few friends show up who I get introduced to as well. A few drinks later and a few dances later I'm in his arms making out with him.

No the night did not end with a drunken hook up but he did make sure I got home by taking a cab with me home (Brian got super drunk and left the club without me) then he took a second cab back to his place.

And this is where the magic started.