Considered Strong

Everyone always thinks that I'm this really strong person who's been able to get through so much.

I will admit that I've had a lot of things that I've had to deal with and work through, but at the same time I've really had no other choice in the decisions I've made.
For example working two jobs. If you were put in a position where you were supporting yourself for college, and your rent and all your bills and stuff, what else would you do? Would you not work both jobs and let yourself get evicted, or your water shut off, or your phone cut off, or would you simply go to work every single day.

Another example, my family and me being gay. I've been denied as a family member by some but what am I suppose to do? Stay in the closet to keep them happy or continue living my life the way I want to? I know a few men who stayed in the closet, and met one actually last night who stayed in the closet until he was 31 just too keep his mother happy. Would you continue living a lie, or would you do what was right and move on with your life?

I don't know if I'm explaining myself right, but I really do LOVE hearing people say, "Antoine you are such a strong person," "I don't know who could go through what you have and still be standing," "I look up to you," It gives me this feeling that I've kicked ass at some of life's toughest battles. But at the same time...I question myself, Did I get through it because of luck, because there really was no letting yourself loose? I don't want to sell myself short and say I didn't get through hard times because I have, but have I because there was really no way too loose?

I can't explain my thoughts on this one, I'm actually doing a really bad job at it, but okay....
put yourself in this scenario...
your 18, both of your parents are gone, and you've barely got a roof over your head....what would you do? Now ask yourself what's the opposite action of your answer, and answer me if that is a real possibility of anyone actually doing it. I'm trying my best here I know it's a little sloppy but hey.

Well...I've gotta find me another job here...if you hear anything open, let me know ;)

New song I've been obsessed with....



and my favorite song from the New Black Eyed-Peas album.... (will blog about it tomorrow)

Staying Positive As It All Falls Down

I've tried to stay positive, and continually am trying my hardest too with this mess I've got going on here.

I've noticed not everyone is a very positive person, there's some filtering out I've gotta do I think. I need to limit the amount of time I spend with some people and probably stop hanging out with certain ones all together.

I know at a time like this you need your family there to support you, with me having lack there of, you would think I need my friends, but some of them are so negative and some of them really are just not good friends. What I need is another miracle. I'm praying that God has another one in store for me up there.

I found out that I wont be able to go to school at state in the Spring semester, and I also found out this job that I was offered an interview for was complete spam. I think I've also found out that my ex is dating someone else.

But on the positive side, I guess that means that I can take another semester at city and get this other Associates degree that I wanted, the "spam" job offer was all the way over by the ballpark and I can't stand the type of people over there anyway, and I'm over being under Marcus, so this will finally put the finishing touches on getting over him....I think I am, but for some reason I still care so I'm sort of confused to be honest.

This is the past 24 to 48 hours in a nut shell.

Once you're at your lowest...there's only one way to go

So yesterday I found out my main job cut my hours from working 5 days a week to only working 2 days a week.

I haven't cried about it yet which i think is really odd, kinda scary actually. When it comes to my jobs I'm usually really emotional, I'm scared that I'm going to have a breakdown later since I haven't even let it really sink in yet. I'll probably feel it when I see that first paycheck that can't even pay rent.

So I'm going to have to try to find an additional job. I've already applied to about 6 or 7 this morning. The only thing I have that's letting me have or feel any kind of emotion is me playing the Beyonce Experience over and over right now.

I don't understand how everything just got flipped upside down when things were going so right. But I'll get through this, I just have to have hope that this will just be something else I can say I got through with my head held high.

Wish me luck.

Payday...

Yes Yes, it's that wonderful time where I get paid. Although I already have to go home and write two checks. Rent, and comcast bill. I also have to pay one of my Credit card bills as well as my gym.

So last night I get home and I talk to my mom online for pretty much the entire evening, as well as taking my numerous phone calls, ya'll know I'm the hotline to call if you ever need anyone to call, my phone is always in use. But it feels so good to be able to talk to my mother again. I talked to one of my close friends last night and he's going through some man issues too.

News Update: Just found out that the night before last I ended up making out with a couple...lovely. It sounds like to me Domino is back in full effect...and I don't think I mind.

But I was up until 2 pretty much talking to both him and my mom. With everyone having all these man issues, I don't know if I want to just put myself out there anymore. Everyone is tainted or has baggage or ends up letting you down when it comes to a commitment. And I don't think I deserve to go through that again, My colors are not depressed, they're happy, and very much show stopping.

So watch out world, Until I find Mister Right I think Antoine is going to take a rest, and Both th Queen Bee and Domino are in full swing.

"Men"

So the date isn't going to be happening this week, or maybe at all with the guy that it was going to be with. It's okay though....Next!

So I met this one guy at this bar I always go to last week, and he was telling me how pretty much he's a "player" (that's a hoe in my book) and doesn't do relationships. What is up with the world right now? Did I miss the memo or something that says every god damn gay man is not suppose be into relationships? This is why I'm use to dating older men, because they have some sort of maturity (but not all of them let me tell you, some are merely boys in disguise). Anywho, that's 3 "men" i've ran into back to back to back that don't do relationships.

I'm obviously meeting them at the wrong places, not that I'm looking for it when I go to a club or a bar, but come on now, alcohol + dancing + strangers + everyone all dressed up, somethings bound to happen every once in a while. One thing I've noticed is I've gotten pretty good at meeting people at bars now. Don't know how I do it but I guess I'm just pretty good at being mister social butterfly.

Anyway so I ran into the guy again, and he was telling me how he met this guy he was about to hook up with and apparently the guy got all sprung off of him within the night that they met. NOT GOOD... another thing I learned, even if you jump into a relationship, I don't think I'll be letting myself fall head over heels for a guy until I see a ring on this finger. HAHAHA no I'm just kidding...

You should definitely let yourself live a little, but at the same time don't forget you have a brain to think with, and your not suppose to think too too much with your heart. Be careful out there people, there's definitely some heart breakers....there's also some dogs too as you can see.

To lighten the mood I came across this video online, and it was HILARIOUS....had to share it....The girl in it is brilliant.

Beyonce Post-I Am Tour

Beyonce' worked it out! I have never seen her get down so hard! I was so excited I almost threw up twice, and the show was so good I almost cried 3 different times. Let me just say that those people that paid over 200 dollars for their tickets most definitely got their moneys worth, she was all up in the audience and everything! I'm definitely going to save up for her next concert!

I lost my voice by the end of the night but got it back the next morning! The show was amazing and I can't wait to buy it on DVD, those that're going to her show in Vegas where she's having it recorded on DVD are getting hotel rooms with their tickets, but those tickets ain't cheap at all!!!! I think the cheapest ticket is over 200 bucks.

I went out to QBar after the concert and met a really nice guy named Nate. Tall, tan, and handsome! He seems really nice, the only thing about him is he's not ready to actually date and be serious. What's up with these men who don't want to be serious? well, whatever floats your boat, I just know I want something real, and I can't have anything real with someone who doesn't want anything serious. so.....NEXT...

I do have a date coming up later this week still though, kinda excited about that, but until then...still on the market. I forgot being single feels so empowering ;)

Speaking of which, I found this video of Beyonce' rehearsing and I thought it was so cute and very appropriate....enjoy...

Beyonce' Pre-I Am Tour

Now if you know anything at all what-so-ever about me, you know that I am the Black and Filipino gay male version of Beyonce'. I know all her albums/videos/concerts by heart, and yes...includes choreography!

Tonight is her big night over here in the Bay Area, she'll be performing in Oakland and I am of course will be there. You know I have to support my girl, and I haven't seen her in so long so it's best that I go. She always makes me so happy! I've seen most of her interviews and performances and sometimes watching them is the easiest remedy for me to get out of a bad mood.

I'm already out of that slump I was in even though I thought this concert was going to be my way to being happy again, looks like the excitement of it all did the job itself. I can only imagine what the concert is going to be like. If I ever got a chance to meet her, I'm sure I'd black out and wake up STILL in tears and disbelief.




Don't forget to check out her new Video for "Sweet Dream" also!!!

Post-Mess

So everything's been going quite alright, although my allergies have been kicking my ass lately. I was actually able to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night last night, although I ended up going to sleep pretty late.

I'm pretty sure my mom is in the Philippines by now. When I logged onto AIM, it notified me that one of my old screen names added me as a friend, which was the screen name my mother used from time to time. So I'm sure she's gotta be out by now. Fingers crossed.

I think I want a new group of gay friends again somewhat like back in the day but of course more adult this time, and all living in the city hopefully. It's so nice to have a group of 3 or 4 other friends that you can all just go out and have coffee or dinner or for a few drinks with. But I'm not going to lie, it's been a while since I had a little "crew" and I kinda like going solo and going out with one or two friends at a time. But a little group would be nice...maybe I need to give it a test run...any applicants?

So Beyonce's concert is tomorrow, and I am beyond excited. You guys know how I feel about my Beyonce'. That's my girl!!!! I'm the black and filipino gay male version of her...I know all if not most of her concerts by heart, including the coreagraphy!!! I'm so excited. I had bad things come in three so lets hope good things come in three also....so far my mom might be out of jail, theres beyonce's concert tomorrow, and a possible date next week? hmmmm...we'll see! I'm excited none the less.

I almost feel re-newed and upgraded after that mess I just got out of, even though I've changed a bit. Well world...brace yourselves!

Back On The Throne.

For the past week or so I've been waking up around 3:30ish in the morning and not being able to fall back asleep for about an hour. It's been such a pain in the ass. Any remedies anyone know of for this?

But anyway, last night when I woke up I was able to just go to sleep without having to use a pillow to pretend like it was a certain someones arm wrapped around me. I woke up this morning back with my drive to conquer the world.

I truly believe I'm a good person. I try my best to love everyone that I let in my life, and try my best to leave some kind of imprint in everyone's life that I cut out of my life. I try not to judge too much, I love making people laugh, and I strongly believe that a smile is contagious, and always am trying to lend a helping hand.

I know that beauty comes from the inside of a person. I have so much to live for and so much to give to the world. So no more pathetic-ness, no more being down. I know I'm going through a lot right now but let me say this again...If I can't get through this, I'm not ever going to be able to get through anything.

Do I miss my mom yes, but her decisions and what happens to her right now can't affect what I need to get done with my life. Do I miss Marcus yes, but I'm not the partner he wants, therefore it wasn't meant to be, so I can't let that stop me from meeting people who are going to want me to be there partner. There's going to be other men out there that will appreciate me as much as he did and will be that special someone for me....

So until then....Cheers everybody.

(Pre) The Aids Walk 2009

Back in the day, I use to always volunteer with my mother at the aids walk. It use to be a lot of fun!

This year, with my mother not here, I decided that I'm actually going to walk...I have a close friend who has HIV, and I knew him before he caught it. So this year me and him will be walking together. I'm really excited! I'm going to need some sponsors though....you can donate online on my site at the following website....

aidswalksanfran2009.kintera.org/antoine

You guys have until July 18th to get your donations in!

...And Life Is Telling Me I'm Still Good At This

So I've registered for classes...and I officially will have my certificate in Video Production and Editing after this semester! Not to mention my schedule is amazing. I'm taking 14 units but only have to be on campus on Mondays and Wednesdays from 6:30 to 9:30....amazing! I still will be working from Sunday-Sunday.... yeah...still 7 days a week...ugh...but you know all Queen Bee's have big bills to pay.

But to add on to the greatness...the class that I do have to show up for is Digital Video Editing....I'm beyond Excited...

AND...I also found out that I got this Scholarship that I applied for...It's $500.00, not much but money is money! I can't wait to get my hands on it...I just have to meet with my school counselor twice this semester than they hand it to me I think.

To add onto things...I'm pretty sure (fingers crossed) that I'll be getting financial aid hopefully, I found out how to do a Dependency Overide, I'm just hoping that it goes through! This is my guardian Angel telling me, "when things get rough, you will always come out on top. You are too good at life to give up and let yourself become a mess, so don't you even think about starting that pathetic shit now!" Well...I'm sure most guardian angel's don't have a potty mouth, but the way I talk I'm sure he/she swears at least a little bit! haha.

Next semester....Bring it! Damn...I still need to get a new comp before classes start :/